A Concerning Trend: Reflecting On Women's Reactions To My Business
A Big Picture View Of Breastfeeding Experiences
Recently, I have been focusing on marketing my private practice lactation business locally. In January alone, I set up vendor tables at 3 local events. At one event in particular, I did not feel a very warm welcome due to the responses I received from women as they approached my vendor table. In this blog post, I will discuss the common reactions and reflect on what they might mean for breastfeeding in current and future generations.
The Event
The event I am discussing was a fitness, health, and wellness event. Presumably, all the attendees would be interested in fitness, health, and wellness. During the two days I was set up at the event, I received no fewer than 20 negative reactions to my business.
The trend was that as women who appeared to be around the age of perimenopause or menopause walked by my table and realized what my business was - a breastfeeding-related business, I observed a guttural reaction. They would physically back away from my table to distance themselves and either say, “Oh, no, I am past that stage,” laugh awkwardly while putting as much distance between us as possible, or tell me a terrible story about their own negative breastfeeding experience. I felt as if they may as well have hissed, pulled out a crucifix directed toward me, and thrown holy water on my face. Horrible stories I was told included one woman who said that her baby got so dehydrated that her baby was admitted to the hospital for IV fluids, another told me that she had been a single mother and had to return to work 2 weeks after her birth, another told me about her trials with her baby who had an undiagnosed tongue and lip tie, and another complained loudly about my presence as she walked past.
I also had many positive reactions and observed beautiful things. I had people tell me lovely stories about their babies weaning naturally at 5 years of age, one woman who told me she was currently nursing her 5-month-old who was smiling while being held by her, and about the strong relationships that breastfeeding had afforded them with their children. I literally shed tears after watching a young girl jump into her father’s embrace after she got outside of her comfort zone and participated in the flash mob. Interestingly enough, all the women who discussed positive experiences were of childbearing age.
I also had two clients sign up to work with me, both of them having had a negative breastfeeding experience with their first child who are both looking to have a better experience the second time around. I recommended prenatal consultations for them so we can discuss exactly what happened, and potential root causes, provide individualized education, and create individualized plans that can improve their chance of meeting their goals this time.
The Problem With Negative Breastfeeding Experiences
I couldn’t help but grieve for the women who shared their negative stories with me. Hearing these stories is difficult because as I hear them in great detail, I can always identify the breastfeeding problem that probably caused their negative experience and I can also identify poor advice they received and things that we now know should have been done differently. If they had just had appropriate support, we might have had a different conversation. Inwardly, I am squirming, but outwardly I keep my mouth shut and simply listen and validate them. It is not helpful or therapeutic for me to give them advice after they trauma dump to me about a situation that is long past gone.
The fact of the matter is that these people are grieving the loss of their breastfeeding experience and they have not had the opportunity or done the work to heal. I believe that when a mother is unable to breastfeed, sabotaged from being able to breastfeed or not enabled to breastfeed, there is a deep, instinctual trauma response that occurs. The instinctual body does not understand that we now have safe alternatives to breastmilk; the instinctual body believes that the baby it gave birth to is dead. And it is clear to me that even 20, 40, or 60 years later that trauma lingers. I hope that by lending a listening and empathetic ear I helped them move the needle in their healing journey.
The Generational Divide
Breastfeeding knowledge used to be ancestral knowledge. Throughout human history when you gave birth, your mother, your aunties, and your sisters were the people who helped you breastfeed your baby. They either lived in close proximity to you or someone would stay with you for a while to help out. However, times have changed. I literally had a prenatal appointment recently where the pregnant mother stated, “I can’t ask my mom to come stay with me for a month, that wouldn’t be fair.” So, in today’s times, you're either on your own with Google or you hire someone who can teach you how to breastfeed.
So what happened with past generations? The advent of commercial formula marketing came about and women stopped breastfeeding. For example, my grandma is literally baffled at what I do for a job. She is 88 years old and she has told me more times than I can count (she repeats herself a lot), that when she had babies, no one breastfed. The culture was that only people in severe poverty breastfed, so if you breastfed you were seen as poor which was very undesirable for that time. She has told me how baby formula was the new technology and if you weren’t feeding your baby formula, you were majorly behind the trend and perceived negatively in society. Baby formula was viewed as superior to breast milk largely because the advertisements said so. Then a generation later, my mother breastfed myself and my sister and she told me the reason she chose it actually was because we were poor. My mom stated that she had no other choice but to make breastfeeding work. She also told me that my grandma gave her a really hard time and was constantly telling her to stop breastfeeding and offering to buy us baby formula.
So effectively, there have been at least 2, maybe 3, generations where a large proportion of women either did not breastfeed due to baby formula marketing and the subsequent culture that baby formula was the superior choice or were sabotaged from breastfeeding by having no one in their family to show them how leading to negative experiences. The women in their 50’s and 60’s that I spoke with at the event were never enabled to breastfeed because their parents didn’t do it and didn’t know how to help and there were nearly no professionals helping women during that time. Furthermore, the current generation of childbearing women are not being enabled to breastfeed because as soon as they get pregnant, someone older trauma dumps to them about their negative experience and scares the ever-living shit out of them. The current generation then assumes that since their mom couldn’t breastfeed they won’t be able to either. Their mom and aunties refuse to support breastfeeding and at the first problem suggest baby formula as the solution, because that is what worked for them.
Never Take Advice From Someone Who Isn’t Healed
Do you know how to recognize a trauma dump? A trauma dump is when someone tells you in excruciating detail about a traumatic experience they had, usually without permission or a close relationship, in an effort to receive relief, validation, or empathy from the listener. A lot of people in the parenting space call this unsolicited advice, but let’s call it what it truly is - trauma dumping. If you suddenly find yourself on the listening end of a horrifying story that you would rather not hear, remember that their experience does not have to be your experience. Also, maybe don’t ask them for advice.
Unfortunately, a lot of healthcare professionals who are in a position to influence breastfeeding success are also unhealed from their own negative experiences and, therefore, have biases against breastfeeding. This includes many pediatricians, nurses, and even lactation consultants.
Unfortunately, pediatricians are not enabled to breastfeed. Many physicians have their babies during residency and are not able to take any time off to learn how to breastfeed or else their education would be delayed an entire year. Furthermore, pediatricians who have babies after they become an attending have an astronomical amount of student debt and they often get paid by the appointment, so they are unable to afford to take time off from work or unwilling to take what is effectively a pay cut to take breaks during their workday to pump.
Many nurses are also unhealed from their own negative breastfeeding experiences and this affects their support of mothers who are learning to breastfeed in the hospital. I think the single most common story I hear from clients is how a nurse basically refused to help them breastfeed and instead brought them a bottle of formula.
There are unfortunately even lactation consultants who are unhealed from their own negative breastfeeding experiences and their practices are affected by that bias. Thankfully, a lot of lactation consultants with negative breastfeeding experiences have used their education and position to heal themselves and make sure more women don’t experience the same things they did
Baby Formula Is Sometimes Medically Necessary, But Advertising Is Not
If baby formula is medically necessary, I absolutely recommend its use in my practice. However, I believe the marketing practices of baby formula companies influence our culture in a way that sabotages breastfeeding and indirectly causes women to have traumatic experiences. Baby formula marketing has caused a ripple effect over generations of women and that ripple effect is a main cause of the deteriorating health of all people in our country. It is very well-researched that when women don’t breastfeed, they experience more chronic diseases. It is very well-researched that when babies are not breastfed, they experience more chronic diseases. Everyone is born, so this literally affects the health of every person. These chronic diseases put a strain on our healthcare system and drive astronomical healthcare prices.
We should immediately put a stop to commercial baby formula marketing (and pharmaceutical marketing as well for that matter) per the World Health Organization’s International Code of Marketing of Breast-milk Substitutes while also maintaining over-the-counter availability of baby formula for those who choose to use it with informed consent and those who require it for the health of their infants.
So poignant, Heather!